Murphy's Laws of Everquest

1. Everything is camped.
2. Your corpse will always end up halfway inside a mountain, nowhere in sight of the roads, or under a tree.
3. The skeleton in front of you is there to distract you from the kodiak approaching behind you.
4. If your attack is going really well, you are in an ambush.
5. If the MOBs are within range, so are you.
6. The tougher MOBs invariably attack on two occasions:>
+ when they're ready.
+ when you're not.
7. One MOB is never enough, but two can be entirely too many.
8. The MOB is not retreating; it's just going to get its friends.
9. The MOBs you never encounter when armed and buffed always appear during your corpse run.
10. The MOB you've been camping for hours always spawns 18 seconds after you leave.
11. Teamwork is essential; it gives the MOBs other people to attack.
12. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
13. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
14. The greatest danger to your group is a Paladin with a map and a> plan.
15. When the going gets tough, the tank gets linkdead.
16. A group without healers or bandages is not a group for long.
17. Your buffs will fade when you need them the most.
18. Whenever you have plenty of mana, you never miss. Whenever you are low on mana, every spell fizzles.
19. When in doubt, gate.
20. There is not a single bathroom in all of Norrath.
21. The Armor Class of a piece of armor is inversely proportional as to how good it looks on you.
22. The item that you want the most drops the rarest.
23. The item that you want the most is out of your price range.
24. The item that you want the most was sold at an auction while you were offline.
25. The item that you want the most was picked up by some moron who didn't know the definition of "No Drop".
26. The item you'll need tomorrow is No Rent.
27. The item you accidentally drop will be the most valuable/powerful/important item you carry.
28. If you can afford it, it's not for sale.
29. If you want two of them, it's a Lore item.
30. If you want to sell it, it's a No Drop item.
31. The High Quality Bear Skin drops every 28 days, the same schedule as PMS. Coincidence?
32. Even greens kill.
33. Backstab means never having to say you're sorry.
34. A bow without arrows seems awfully heavy all of a sudden.
35. Merchants are perfectly capable of kicking tail and taking names.
36. Trains have the right of way.
37. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
38. The guards are never there when you need them.
39. Misuse of a combine button in a hurry = highly colorful language.
40. The time it takes to upload the newest patch is directly proportional to your eagerness to log on.
41. No two people have ever agreed on a single, precise definition of a twink.
42. Never forget that your newbie weapon was crafted by the lowest bidder.
43. A roleplayer drinks to increase his alcohol tolerance; an idiot does it in the Kelethin treetops.
44. Having a tenth of a bubble of health left is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
45. Gnome wizards are proof positive that size does not matter.
46. The greatest mystery in Norrath is how NPCs figure out what religion you are just by looking at you.
47. Every shaman on Norrath at one point in his or her life has done the pig joke when someone asked for a SOW.
48. Only twelve people in all of Norrath are truly happy with their last names.
49. The last bubble takes forever to fill.
50. It is somehow discouraging to realize that Qeynos is "SonyEQ" spelled backwards.

Veeshan's Peak

Druid: /shout WOOT!! YOU HAVE ENTERED VEESHAN'S PEAK!!!
Rogue: Hey, we didn't die zoning in, it already beats the crap out of those Howling Stones...
Magician begins to cast a spell
Necromancer begins to cast a spell
Wizard: /shout Level 57 wizzie lookin for a group
Jenkins says "Guarding you master"
Jeeves says "Guarding with my life, oh great one"
Monk: /auction Selling Tailor made items at reasonable prices
Warrior: /auction Same here
Paladin: /auction Same
Enchanter: /auction Selling Platinum Ruby Veil for 9.5k
Druid: That's insane
Enchanter looks around for some competition, and shrugs
Cleric: So who wants to group with me?
Magician: Me
Necromancer: Me
Rogue: Me
Warrior: Me
Paladin: Me
Shadow Knight: Me
Wizard: Me
Monk: Me
Bard: Me
Druid: Me
Enchanter: Me
Ranger: Me
Shaman: Me
Cleric: Okay, Warrior, Necromancer, Bard, Enchanter, Shaman, you're with me
All others: <Various swearing>
Wizard: So who wants to group with me?
Rogue: Yeah, and I'm starting a group, who wants to group with me?
<Sound of wind whistling>
Paladin: So maybe we should do some scouting...
Druid begins to cast a spell
Wizard begins to cast an UselessUpgradedSpell spell
Rogue disappears
Druid dons a mask of the hunter
Wizard creates an "Invisible to Mobs under 35 when it's a level 55 spell" eye
Druid, Wizard, and Rogue: I'll scout
Wizard: /shout Level 57 wizzie looking for a group
Enchanter begins to cast a spell
Necromancer: Hey buddy can I get some Swords of Runes?
Magician feels his summons are useful for a change
Magician: Sure
Magician begins to cast a spell
Magician begins to cast a spell
A cool breeze slips thru Enchanter's party
Jeeves says "Thank you master"
Jeeves says "Thank you master"
Necromancer disbands
Necromancer: Well I don't need you guys anymore
Necromancer chuckles
Wizard: /shout %&^(( They saw my invisible eye, we got two dragons inc
Druid: /ooc <sigh>
Rogue: /ooc <sigh>
A Sky Blue Dragon begins to cast a spell
A Sky Blue Dragon begins to cast a spell
Monk: GETEM!
Ranger, Monk, Warrior, Rogue, Paladin, and Shadow Knight attack A Sky Blue Dragon
Necromancer, Magician, Enchanter, Druid, Wizard begins to cast a spell
Necromancer has feared A Sky Blue Dragon
Jeeves says "Attacking master"
Necromancer: I got this one
Jenkins says "Attacking master"
Ranger slashes A Sky Blue Dragon for 49 damage
Monk kicks A Sky Blue Dragon for 200 damage
Warrior taunts A Sky Blue Dragon
Rogue backstabs A Sky Blue Dragon for 400 damage
Shadow Knight Harmtouches A Sky Blue Dragon for 800 damage
Magician hits A Sky Blue Dragon for non-melee for 850 damage
Druid hits A Sky Blue Dragon for non-melee for 1020 damage
Bard twists mana and hp recovery songs
Wizard's spell has been resisted
Wizard: %*&^
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
Ranger yells for help behind you and to the left
Cleric begins to frantically cast a spell
Necromancer reclines and yawns
Warrior taunts A Sky Blue Dragon
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 50 damage
Warrior taunts A Sky Blue Dragon
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 126 damage
Warrior: Oh come on
Cleric has cast a spell
Ranger has regained 900 hp
Cleric begins to cast a spell
Warrior taunts A Sky Blue Dragon
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 300 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 193 damage
Ranger yells for help behind you and to the left
Cleric: Quick casting my $*%
Wizard begins to cast a spell
Wizard's spell has been resisted
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Wizard for 800 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Wizard for 800 damage
Wizard has been slain by A Sky Blue Dragon
Necromancer puts on sunglasses
Warrior: Well there's a taunt at least
Bard summons water from his boots
Cleric has cast a spell
Ranger has regained 900 hp
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
Ranger: WTF? I stopped attacking 20 secs ago
Cleric begins to cast a spell
Ranger is completely healed
Cleric: There we go
Magician begins to cast a spell
Ranger is enveloped in fire
Shaman: Well at least he's useful now
Necromancer strikes up a conversation with Jimi Hendrix
Necromancer lights a cigar
Monk kicks A Sky Blue Dragon for 450 damage
Warrior kicks A Sky Blue Dragon for 3 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon is stunned
Warrior: Woo hoo
Druid begins to cast a spell
Monk uber-punches A Sky Blue Dragon for 800 damage
Warrior kicks A Sky Blue Dragon for 10 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon is stunned
Warrior: Twice in a row!
Warrior sticks his tongue out at Monk
Druid hits A Sky Blue Dragon for non-melee for 1020 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Druid for 500 damage
Necromancer begins to debate the philosophy of "The Matrix"
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Druid for 500 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Druid for 500 damage
Cleric begins to cast a spell
Paladin begins to cast a spell
Druid feels a healing touch
Cleric: %*^
Paladin: Sorry
Cleric's casting has been interrupted
You must be standing to cast a spell
Bard summons water from his boots
Druid: You mind?
Bard summons food from his pants
Bard: What? Can't you see I'm using my armor's special abilities
Rogue backstabs A Sky Blue Dragon for 400 damage
Jenkins backstabs A Sky Blue Dragon for 500 damage
Jenkins laughs an elemental laugh at Rogue
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Jenkins for 800 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Jenkins for 800 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Jenkins for 800 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Jenkins for 800 damage
Jenkins has been slain by A Sky Blue Dragon
Rogue laughs heartily at Jenkins
Magician begins to cast a spell
Enchanter wanders blindly, waiting for a crowd to control
Magician: I'll try an air this time
Butler says "Attacking master"
Necromancer chuckles
Magician: What?
Necromancer points at Jeeves
A Sky Blue Dragon tries to hit Jeeves, but is parried
A Sky Blue Dragon tries to hit Jeeves, but Jeeves dodges
A Sky Blue Dragon tries to hit Jeeves, but Jeeves ripostes
Jeeves hits A Sky Blue Dragon for 60 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon tries to hit Jeeves, but is parried
Magician: So?
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Butler for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Butler for 600 damage
Butler has been slain by A Sky Blue Dragon
Necromancer laughs
Necromancer begins to cast a spell
Magician begins to cast a spell
Necromancer lifetaps A Sky Blue Dragon
Necromancer experiences a 2000 point swing in life totals
Magician sighs, wanting to be second best at direct damage
Druid sighs, wanting to be second best at direct damage
Revived Wizard sighs, wanting to be best at direct damage
Magician: Okay, this one is fire
Shaman: Just do earth, everyone knows the others suck anyway
Lil'Flamey says "Attacking master"
Lil'Flamey begins to cast a spell
Lil'Flamey's spell has been resisted
Lil'Flamey begins to cast a spell
Lil'Flamey's spell has been resisted
Lil'Flamey begins to cast a spell
Lil'Flamey's spell has been resisted
Revived Wizard feels some sympathy
Bard yawns, still twisting his mana/hp regen songs
Necromancer yawns, still sitting on his can
Shaman: Okay let's end this
Shaman begins to cast a spell
Warrior feels like an avatar
Warrior: Woohoo, you're the best!
Cleric: Oh come on
Cleric tries to strike A Sky Blue Dragon, but misses
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Cleric for disproportionately high damage
Cleric sighs about her armor
Cleric has been slain by A Sky Blue Dragon
Necromancer takes pity on Cleric
Druid begins to cast a spell
Necromancer begins to cast a spell
Paladin tries to cast a spell, but quest hasn't been implemented yet
Necromancer casts a spell
Cleric is revived with 93% exp regain
Necromancer: A newbie gave his life for that
Revived Cleric sighs
Buffed Warrior hits A Sky Blue Dragon for tons of damage
Ranger blows wind at A Sky Blue Dragon
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Ranger for 600 damage
Ranger sighs
Shaman looks around mildly, waiting to buff someone
Druid: Any ideas?
Shadow Knight tries to make a point, but there aren't enough of him to be listened to
Lightbulb appears over Enchanter's head
Enchanter begins to cast a spell
A Sky Blue Dragon is showered with gold
Monk: What'd you do?
Enchanter: Gave him some pocket change
A Sky Blue Dragon is heavily encumbered
Paladin slashes A Sky Blue Dragon with FIERY AVENGER for massive damage
Warrior slashes A Sky Blue Dragon with RANDOM WEAPON FROM KARNOR'S for massive damage + 1
Paladin sighs
Jeeves says "Guarding you master"
Necromancer: You should see the loot on my dragon...
All others: SHUT UP!!
Monk B!tCh-Sl@Ps A Sky Blue Dragon for massive damage
Magician, Druid, Enchanter, Wizard, and Shaman begin to cast spells
A Sky Blue Dragon is hit for miniscule fraction of total life in non-melee damage
Casters sigh
Magician smiles
Magician: I still have my pet
Lil'Flamey begins to cast a spell
Lil'Flamey's spell has been resisted
Lil'Flamey begins to cast a spell
A Sky Blue Dragon is hit by non-melee for 178 damage
Shaman: You know your Earth quad hits for....
Magician: Shut up!
Necromancer: ...less than mine does
Magician sighs at Lil'Flamey
A Sky Blue Dragon hits Lil'Flamey for 600 damage
Necromancer begins to cast a spell
Wizard begins to cast a spell
Necromancer DOTs A Sky Blue Dragon for Trakanon-like damage
Wizard casts CrappyRainSpell
A Sky Blue Dragon is hit by non-melee for 600 damage
A Sky Blue Dragon resisted CrappyRainSpell
Jeeves is unaffected by CrappyRainSpell
Lil'Flamey is unaffected by CrappyRainSpell
Wizard: Woo hoo, and that only cost 400 mana
A Sky Blue Dragon staggers, looking for somewhere to die
Druid, Ranger, Magician, Wizard, Cleric, Shaman, Enchanter, Necromancer, Shadowknight, and Bard begin to cast spells
Warrior beats on A Sky Blue Dragon
Paladin whallops on A Sky Blue Dragon
Monk decimates A Sky Blue Dragon
Rogue kinda wounds A Sky Blue Dragon
A Sky Blue Dragon is hit by a ton of non-melee
A Sky Blue Dragon says "From Hell's heart I stab at thee!"
A Sky Blue Dragon swipes Lil'Flamey for massive damage
A Sky Blue Dragon has been slain by Necromancer's DOT
A Sky Blue Dragon has left no corpse
GroupOf13 look at Necromancer
Necromancer lowers head, then wanders off to solo dragons
Lil'Flamey begins to cast a spell
Lil'Flamey casts ReallyStupidYonderSpell
Lil'Flamey disappears
A Sky Blue Dragon begins to cast a spell
A Really Huge Dragon begins to cast a spell
A Red As Blood Dragon begins to cast a spell
A Makes Veeshan Look Like A Worm Dragon begins to cast a spell
SadMage sighs, knowing what's coming
SadMage is burned with the fires of Hades
SadMage has been slain like you wouldn't believe
PanickedWarrior: Here they come
Necromancer feigns death
Shadowknight feigns death
Monk feigns death
Druid gates away
Ranger sits down and waits to die
Wizard evacs
Cleric wishes she had picked wizard for her group
Bard has been slain before he knew what hit him
Enchanter begins to cast a spell
Warrior has been slain like paper before the Whitewater investigation
Enchanter has cast a spell
CrowdODragons has been mezzed
Enchanter gates away
Casters gate away
PeopleWithoutGate sigh
PeopleWithoutGate are slain, roasted, and served with a white wine
CrowdODragons disperses
Necromancer stands and gates
Shadowknight can no longer play dead
Shadowknight is roasted by dragonfire
Shadowknight has been slain
Monk sighs

FANSY THE FAMOUS BARD

www.notacult.com/fansythefamous.htm

Ye Olde Burnt Woods

So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a sudden I see
the message: "d00d sow plz".

Of course, my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the clueless newb
(hereafter referred to politely as "the petitioner"SMILEY;) must have been poorly informed at
best.

Boy was I ever wrong.

I switch out of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering eyes
behold? Only myself and the petitioner.

So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"

(Keep in mind what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton form,
carrying a scythe, FLOATING IN MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE
dark-brown skeleton named "Gibober" standing behind me. Ummm....No, skippy,
I'm not a druid or a shaman.)

I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."

The Petitioner says, "$#*&@#$ **SMURF**, sow me already! it's for a cr"

Feeling as if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all **Halfling**" (um..pardon..I
meant "/who all petitioner"SMILEY;)

This is where I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a bug, right?
There's NO WAY IN CREATION the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level
31 Dark Elf Wizard, right???? RIGHT????? /em begins to cry like a little girl.

Well, needless to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet began
dancing an Irish Jig. I quickly begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, while
deciding how best to deal with this tricky situation.

I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".

Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you sped up! i
couldn't catch you until you sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you
dont have to be a **SMURF** about it **Halfling**hole"

Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.

I say, "I have JBoots."

He says, "what are they"

Before I have a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....

Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"

I say, "I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that you would
probably want."

He says, "yeah the one you won't give me **SMURF**"

Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.

I say, "Why do you need a sow?"

He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for my level"

Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".

I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."

He says, "?"

Apparently he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other various
and sundry communication facilitators.

I didn't answer him.

He repeats, "??"

Found it twice...good for him.

He repeats, "???"

Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.

I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."

He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"

I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a couple of
months ago after a bunch of complaints were filed about 'static content'."

He says, "?"

I say, "!"

He says, "?"

I say, ","

He says, "***"

I say, "no, already have some."

He says, "????"

I don't respond.

He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"

He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was sniffing his
feet.

I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch, since they
began randomizing zone locations."

My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE story yet.
Just snippets.

He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"

I say, "You don't need the boat."

He says "why"

I say, "You're a wizard!"

He says, "how you know that"

I say, "I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have teleportation spells."

He says, "oh yeah the green ones"

I nod.

I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by color."

He says, "thx"

I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"

He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char"

I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."

He says, "why"

Question mark key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with your
collection of boogers.

I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."

He says, "how do you know"

I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map."

He says, "oh"

I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"

He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell book.

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."

Dumba...errr....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.

A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes
I still haven't heard from him.

Getting curious:

I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"

No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]

Obviously he's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.

I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me."

He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."

Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.

I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense Heading'?"

He replies, "no"

I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one."

It was a guess, but an educated one.

He replies, "found it"

I reply, "Click on it."

He replies, "north"

I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path turns north.
When it forks to the right, take the right fork."

He replies, "ok"

Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe faction up.

He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"

I reply, "They were roleplaying."

He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"

Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.

I reply, "Where are you?"

He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"

I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you some trouble,
just keep running."

Yeah...damned conscience started kicking in.

A fairly long period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was expecting.

I tell petitioner, "What happened?"

As if I didn't know....

He replies, "my spells are gone!"

I reply, "What happened?"

He replies, "i died why"

I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?"

He replies, "east ***???"

I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."

He replies, "?"

I reply, "So where are you now?"

He replies, "how can i tell"

I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you 'You have
entered [zone]'."

He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."

After smacking my head against my monitor....

I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".

Get this....

He replies, "Burning Woods"

I nearly fell out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!

He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"

I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your corpse back."

He replies, "i have to get my corpse back?????"

/ignore petitioner

Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!

Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what happened.

I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"

He replies, "***? where you been"

I reply, "been afk, sorry."

He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."

My conscience somewhat eased...

I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"

He replies, "iceclad ocean"

I scratch my head a few times.

I reply, "Why Velious?"

He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western wastes this
week"

I don't recall exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped breathing shortly
before my dog dialed 911.

He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?"

That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife.